Poets' Blog

It seems we’re all numpties. Some of the business community want the government to sell off Scottish Water in order to fund the new Forth bridge – the same some who would buy it, probably. Worthy newspapers reported this without even a hint of chuckling. What kindness. Philanthropy is not dead. Us yins’ll buy this cash-guzzling utility so youse yins kin have the new brig yeese’re needin. Aye, right.

And, of course, there would be investment, new jobs and cleaner, safer water which would cost less because, as we aw ken, business folk exist tae look efter oor interests and no their ain. But isn’t that the role of government? And isn’t the purpose of any business to make money, a subtle change from when the purpose was to earn money by making products or providing a service?

So why am I thinking that if Scottish Water is profitable then the government could use those profits to pay for a new bridge? Obviously because I’m a numpty. Same reason the words ’snake oil’ rattle in my head. Same reason I remember warnings about conmen who feign interest in worthless furniture in order to relieve the unsuspecting of priceless antiques by ‘taking it off your hands’ at the same time.

Well, we’ve been there, done that and to prove it are now paying spiralling electricity bills to middle men who never manufacture so much as one watt of power but appear to resell it cheaper than if we buy direct from the producer. Consider it a timely warning. Orders should be placed now for water butts to accompany our windmills and solar panels before the price rockets, and while the rain’s fair comin doon.

Current capitalism means make it, grow it, fix it, dump it yourself while paying extortion rates for the privilege of having so much fun, including time hilariously spent on equally pricey phone calls while clicking through endless options in the vain hope a human being might eventually surface to reply and maybe, eh, resolve your problem.

Government has said no to the water idea, but watch that space. Money talks – usually to say cheerio as it runs out. Cash aye hurries tae hang oot wi its mates.

If you want to get ahead get a barrel. But at least I now have a title for my poem.

Categories: Janet